My Novel.

Only not really. :D

Isma journal. :)
(I hate the word. So it's my novel.)

The first journal I've ever actually been able
to keep writing in, and be happy with. :D

Warning: I'm fucking dramatic. xD

2nd Warning

There is a thing called 'coming full circle'.
Whatever you think this is, you are mistaken.
I don't have to explain myself to anybody who doesn't

March 2nd, 2010

Today I put you on the internet! :D
Aight, so.. Let's start the recovery. xP

"Pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional." - Uknown
You can't compare or quantify
emotional pain.

1. Define your pain. 2. Express that pain. 3. Try to stay in the present. 4. Stop telling the story. 5. Forgive yourself. 6. Stop playing the blame/victim game. 7. Don't let the pain become your identity. 8. Reconnect w/ who you were before the pain. 9. Focus on things that bring you joy in the moment. 10. Share that joy with people.         :D

March 1st, 2010

Is there another option? If this time has taught me anything, it's that I trick people into thinking I'm beautiful, to only let them down. I'm a piece of girly meat. But..
'I think I could last at least a week without someone to hold me.' Does my easy-going, people-pleasing ways really make me worthless?

Do I embrace it?

What was once in the order of which it had been written,
is now in a messy heap of what means most-ish to me.
(I'll clean it later.)

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

It doesn't matter what I do.
Or what I dream. Or what I want. No matter how much...

Or who I love, more than any thing in the world. Or who I try to be, I end up just pretending. Until the walls in my room break down the walls in my head and I sit and I think blurry thoughts. Alone, wishing for anything else than what I have. Wanting to be a little kid again, because that's who I am on the inside. Just around it is filled with the impure, dark, adult things I wish I'd never known. I'm messing everything up. There's no undo, there's no getting normal again. There's no escape key. There's no past and no future. Just an immediate and unending hell. So step around my fire and watch me burn.

The world is doing what it can to give me what I want, because I have been perfectly desperate.
But nobody really knows what they want, and I'm not ready in a lot of ways I think I am.

I think life for me will be beautiful from now on, kinda.

God, life, be beautiful for me.
I feel you trying to connect with me, physically I see.
And you know the last thing I need is to be deceived.

It's raining... The rain make me jealous. All the drops on my window... All the tears I couldn't cry, and more. I can't cry. I can't punch things. I can't write anymore. I can't do what's right. I can't do what I want. I can't be myself. I can't move out. I can't fix my brain. I can't sleep. I can't do my homework. I can't keep friends. I can't save money. I can't remember. I can't speak. I can't beat video games. I can't act. I can't read anything. I can't be nice. I can't make people happy. I can't make myself happy. I can't tell the truth. I can't be pretty. I can't take care of a snail. I can't keep a journal. I can't be anything. And I'm deathly afraid of the dark.
And I'm nobody's favorite person because I fucked that up too.

- AFP

So...                 

Every line here
was another shitty day.

Didn't take too long to fill
a page full of poop. x)

                          Oh, lovely life.

As for my beliefs... I believe in existence. I believe in a what there is,
and what there would be if there isn't. Some form of providence, an all
knowing, everything. That we're all one soul-ish. Everything is. I believe
that truth is in the back of our minds. Life is to experience. And that things
are the way they are because they are in perfect balance.

I do not think less of people who believe in 'God'. They are, in face, better
than me. And by 'God' I mean religion. When I hear the word god, I only think
of existence as a whole, providence, life.

Each week is getting harder.             Each day I'm getting closer.             

I'm waiting for something that will          never happen.                   

              How can I be happy?
You never will.                 

I hate you.

I guess the fact that I am able to be consumed by this dark, blurry, whatever the hell it is, means that I'm able to be consumed by something.
Which is hopeful.

"Life will break you.
Nobody can protect you from that, and living alone won't either, for solitude will also break you with its yearnings.
You have to love. You have to feel.
It is the reason you are here on earth.
You are here to risk your heart.
You are here to be swallowed up.
And when it happens that you are broken, or betrayed, or left, or hurt, or death brushes near,
let yourself sit by an apple tree
and listen to the apples falling all around you in heaps, wasting their sweetness.
Tell yourself that you tasted as many as you could." - Louise Erdrich, The Painted Drum.

Just realized... Not really just, more like, just writing down what I've sortof collected...
I really invested in the wrong people. In the wrong things. But haven't we all? To me it's just me. Something wonderful was supposed to have happened by now. I feel cheated that I've still done nothing. That no one's done that something for me. What a narcissist I am. And how ironic. I'm so intrigued by a failure.

Every one is trying to change.
It's their devotion that sets that change, or attempt at change, apart. And I must be honestly, with all my heart, truthfully, willing... I don't want to be gross anymore. I don't want my life to be a dark joke. I have several futures. If I want the good one, I need to stop fucking cheating. The excuses will be regrets later on if you don't stop this. You had your head start. Why haven't you started running?

Tonight. Oh, is one of those nights that I would
kill myself if I were suicidal. And why aren't I?
Seems like the sane thing to be.
There's nothing on this world that touches me,
or that I can feel. Nothing that slips beneath my
skin, and nestles above my warm blood.
This fuzzy, ignorant world. Humorously dark.
So many things, but above all, unfair.

If I were...                                                
                                       I'd be happier.

The truth might be...
Death is based on spiritual, how real of a person you are. Whether you have an afterlife or not depends on the strength of yourself, your energy, who you are. What's really you.

Sometimes I wonder if I'd be strong enough.

(Well.. This is too personal for translation.) xD

(This was New Years.)

Funny how sometimes physical things are exactly what you need for such unearthly problems, or something. It's almost a reminder that there's a little reality.

Was that so hard?

Not everything need be remembered, though. :) Friend.

So. Resolutions.
Probably... Honestly get myself together. Get out of this things I'm in. First, start off by typing all my writings. So again, general betterment,
but a tad more... Something.

I hate this.
This time.
These thoughts.

 

The very first page written.
It doesn't matter much,
but this was it. :)